'AITA for not wanting a baby with my husband after he asked for a paternity test?' MAJOR UPDATE (2024)

I have also never given him any reason for him to be suspicious about me cheating on him, either. I was so taken aback that he doubted my loyalty enough to ask for a paternity test. I told him I couldn't believe he was seriously asking me for that. He said that I wasn't helping my case, and that if I had nothing to hide, then I would take the test and prove my loyalty to him.

I honestly can't remember all that I said, but I ended up saying something along the lines of "if you're doubting me and my loyalty so much that you think I cheated on you and got pregnant with someone else's baby, then I don't think I want one with you anymore. I don't want to be tied to someone who clearly doesn't trust me."

He blew up at me and accused me of cheating once again. It was a big argument, and he said I was being s--ty, dismissing his concerns, and saying that asking for a paternity test was valid. In the end, !!‼️!! I AGREED TO THE TEST !!‼️!! but said that I stood by my words. Had to highlight that because some people are saying that I didn't agree to it when I very much did.

We haven't spoken since the argument and he's currently at work. I went to my friend for advice and she said that while he was out of line for accusing me of cheating, I shouldn't have said that to him over one of his "valid" concerns, and that clearly had a reason to feel that way about the situation.

I cannot fathom made him feel like I was cheating on him. I was just so hurt that he would insult me like that and accuse me of doing something so disgusting when I thought we were supposed to have trust in each other. But AITA for saying what I did?

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Edit: A lot of people are suggesting he got a secret vasectomy that failed, and that did cross my mind! During the argument I did ask if he got a vasectomy or was infertile and that's why the baby couldn't be his, but he dismissed that and continued saying "it just couldn't be his" without providing me a solid reason. So in that regard I have really no idea what to say...

Edit 2: I feel I should elaborate on the "neutral about kids" part. I told him while we were still just dating that no kids was a deal-breaker for me. He said that was fine because his stance on it was that if we ever have kids, it's fine. if something happens and we don't, it's fine. I'm calling that neutral since I don't know what else to call it.

So when I told him I was pregnant I thought he would be fine with it like he said. But apparently he just changed his mind about that and didn't tell me! And also, I have no issues with men wanting paternity tests, I just had an issue with him blatantly accusing me of being a cheater with no solid proof to back it up along with it.

The internet was very opinionated.

YikesManStrikes wrote:

You guys have intimacy without any form of birth control....what exactly is he surprised about?!

lovebeinganah wrote:

Definitely take the paternity test.

But you should require an IQ test to make sure, because I’m pretty sure you’re about to have a child with an idiot. NTA.

See Also

'AITA for telling my wife she has 24 hours to get our sitter back or she can go to her work event solo?'She Left Her Kids With Me After I Said I Couldn’t Babysit. AITA For Dropping Them Off At Daycare And Making Her Pay?'AITA for getting an anesthesiologist fired for the way she treated my wife?'People Shake Things Up In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

Deep_Rig_1820 wrote:

Definitely NTA!! You actually need to make a decision if you want to stay together with this SOB or not, like now. If you are standing by these words ⬇️

"Then I don't think I want one with you anymore. I don't want to be tied to someone who clearly doesn't trust me."

Then you go ahead and they can make the DNA test (if I'm correct) with/during the ab-rtion. BUT, I would already file for divorce, because let's be honest, it only will go downhill from here on out.

Also, for his first reaction being to accuse you of cheating, could be projected towards his own actions!!! It is said, " cheaters accuse the innocent partner to make the partner feel bad and deflect from their own actions".

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️ I would be reconsidering this friendship:

"She said that while he was out of line for accusing me of cheating, I shouldn't have said that to him over one of his "valid" concerns, and that clearly had a reason to feel that way about the situation."

WHAT VALID CONCERN????? BTW, just my gut speaking to me, with the reaction from your husband and how your friend is on his side, I'm not sure, but it doesn’t sit well with me. It is to convenient.

Best wishes.

ximdotcad wrote:

Get a termination, then get a divorce. That thing is not a man, it is a walkingAH.

NTA. You were very reasonable and stated a truth that is healthy and logical.

The next day OP came back with this udpate:

Hi everybody, this isn't gonna be a super crazy update saying we got the test back and he got a secret v-sectomy etc etc. But it's kind of a big one.

Thank you for everyone's kind words and advice. It was all super helpful, including criticism because it really made me reflect on my behavior and how I handled the situation. On top of that, I'm so sorry that I didn't really respond to any comments. There were a lot just coming in non stop and it was a little overwhelming...

Moving on. After I made that post and he came home from work, I cooked him his favorite dinner and let him relax a bit before I calmly approached the subject again. I told him that I was happy to do the paternity test, just that I was a little hurt that he would accuse me of cheating on him, because I loved him a lot and would hate to make him feel that way. I also apologized for what I said.

I asked him if he was just overwhelmed/scared from the news and that's why he accused me like he did. He said that wasn't it and that was genuinely his biggest concern. He then told me he wasn't willing to talk to me, say anything else, or negotiate about anything until after we get the test done.

I asked if he was sure and he practically yelled at me telling me to drop the subject for now. So I did. And so things have been super tense.

I'd been scrolling through comment after comment for what feels like forever. A lot of you said he was cheating. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to him being told he was infertile or something but I ended up getting a really bad sinking feeling in my gut that I should check his phone.

I never wanted to be the type of person that goes through their SO's phone obsessively for no reason, but my gut has never really steered me wrong so I did it last night while he was sleeping. I snuck his phone off his nightstand and went out to the living room.

He's cheating on me. And if that wasn't bad enough, it is, indeed, with my friend I mentioned in the last post. Like a lot of you said. I guess it does make sense now that I think about it but I'm still really shocked. (I'd never been suspicious of their relationship before) But after reading the comments I realize her reaction was a red flag

I went through their texts, and from what I can tell it's only been going on for a few months and started after we got married. But really I only focused on the texts from right after I told him I was pregnant. He texted her saying things like:

"I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to [xxxx] her without a *&^%om"

"She says it's mine OF COURSE but I swear to god it better not be. I'll be happy if it isn't"

"Obviously I don't want a kid with her I'd rather be with you than be stuck with her" (you in this context being my friend)

"I know I should've been careful"

"I don't care if she thinks I'm a d-k or an awful husband right now" (This was his reply when my friend told him that I came to her about the situation)

So yeah. Those were just a few messages, but their conversations were hard to read and I ended up crying a lot. I screenshotted the messages, sent them to myself from his phone, deleted the texts on his phone so it looked like he'd never sent anything, and then deleted the screenshots (and deleted them from the recently deleted folder) I also went on his laptop to check if they were deleted there too.

From his texts I gathered that he did not have a secret v-sectomy that failed, nor does he think he is sterile since he said himself that he should have been more careful and he doesn't know what he was thinking. I don't think he'd be saying that if he thought he was infertile.

I also want to say that yes he knows I'm not currently on birth control. And he was the one that decided not to use protection, not me. I just agreed. I did not pressure him. At first he was pulling out but occasionally he wouldn't.

I don't know why he would continue not using protection occasionally after the affair started. I'm guessing it was because telling me he no longer wanted to go without protection every time no matter what would make me suspicious?

But that's basically it for now. I am not going to confront him about cheating right away. I am going to get the test, then confront him and tell him I want a divorce along with the test results. I mean, that's currently my plan but my mind is also all over the place so maybe that's not the best way to do this? I don't know. It's like 6am, I feel like sh*t, and I haven't gotten any sleep lol

I almost forgot to mention that I am going to get tested just to be safe. The next update will probably be after the paternity test..or whenever I feel like I need to update.

Here's what people had to say afer the update:

Frozefoots wrote:

Don’t force yourself to stay in a toxic place while waiting. Leave while he’s at work. Gather all your things and be out by the time he gets home. A friend’s place, parents’, relatives; whoever, doesn’t matter.

I would put both the paternity test results and the divorce papers in an envelope for him. If he needs to be served the papers then do that. Keep his number unblocked, but do not engage with any calls or messages.

Same with his mistress.

Dachshundmom5 wrote:

Get the test. While you wait for the results. Get a lawyer. Tell people close to you.

While he's at work, get the essentials out of the house and be gone. Do NOT be alone when you tell him you want a divorce.

Robinnoodle wrote:

So sorry you're going through this 💕

Info: Have you been to the doctor yet to find out how far along you are? You have to be over 6-7 to get a NIPP DNA test.

OP responded:

I have an appointment in two days, but I'm pretty sure that I am at least five or six weeks.